Low Libido and Depression: My Journey With Low Sex Drive
Well, this might be awkward – I have a very low libido. But if I wasn’t 100 percent sure that there were other depressed women (and some men) who experience the same thing, I wouldn’t be so confident writing about it.
I’ve been depressed since my 20s, but I didn’t have a “problem then.” I wasn’t on several medications for depression, anxiety, ADHD yet. No, I met my husband in my 20s and our love life was amazing. I’m not sure I can elaborate more without embarrassing you – or him.
Seriously, it was the stuff out of a steamy romance novel, the kind of intimacy I never thought I could have.
The turning point: postpartum depression
It lasted for years until I had children, and I had postpartum depression after my second-born’s birth. Suddenly I was a zombie, a shell of myself for a few years. I cut myself, had suicidal ideation, I was binge eating, I compulsively shopped – anything to get a hit of dopamine.
I eventually broke down and went to an inpatient psychiatric hospital for six weeks where I got the help I needed, but I was still taking several medications, and when I returned home, sex was the last thing on my mind. I had a 4-year-old and a 2-year-old to take care of, and I was desperately trying to change my behavior so I wouldn’t return to the hospital.
Rebuilding after the hospital
The thought of sex almost disgusted me. Not my husband; I was still attracted to him and thought he was beautiful, and I really appreciated everything he had done for me and the family. I just couldn’t get into the headspace where I could get turned on. I know my husband felt rejected, but I didn’t mean to make him feel that way at all. That’s what hurt me – that he felt rejected and hurt.
So, I tried harder. But it’s still not the same.
Now, about seven years later, it’s still an issue in our marriage.
I’m trying harder. I asked to switch my birth control; I asked to have my hormones checked; I was prescribed testosterone to help with my sex drive. I’m going to ask my doctor about a prescription medication that could help.
I want to have sex. Good sex. I want my husband to be happy, and I want to make him happy.
And when we do have sex – we aim for once or twice a week – it’s good, reminiscent of our romantic trysts when we first met. I have such a good time, then it’s like I forget that it’s so fun and rewarding, and I must remind myself repeatedly to do it again in a few days.
The link between depression and low libido
I blame my low desire on depression and anxiety, sure. And of course, all the medication I must take. I also realize that I’m not 20 years old anymore, and hormonal changes have a lot to do with it. I’m sure there are other factors for women. And I bet I’m not alone.
Research shows that there are connections and overlap between low libido and depression. Research has found that 40 percent of women with a sexual disorder also experience depression.1 The researchers state that an estimated 10 percent of U.S. women experience a “desire disorder.” An estimated 3.77 percent have problems with both desire and depression.
There are risk factors, too. Risk factors for depression and low libido include stressful life events, such as a divorce or lost job.2 Major life transitions may also be triggers.
I don’t know about you, but any kind of change in my life can affect me in a negative way. When I become stressed, sex moves to the bottom of my to-do list. My husband is always the first one to point out that sex is stress relieving. I know it is, but my body just shuts down to the idea of sex.
Small steps that have helped
I don't have this figured out. Some weeks are better than others, and I'm still learning what actually helps versus what I just tell myself should help.
If you're in this same place, here's what I've learned so far:
- If you’re thinking of any medications, supplements or creams, etc., please consult your doctor first.
- Don’t be afraid to mix it up in the bedroom with lingerie, outfits or toys.
- Be sure to be communicative to your partner if you’re not in the mood and be open why.
- Don’t feel guilty or shame.
- Go your own pace