When Even Showering Is Just Too Hard

This past weekend I was at a conference where I won "Volunteer of the Year," the most coveted award for that particular organization. I was in such a good mood. I had a great weekend.

That was 5 days ago, and it has been days since I've showered. I went to bed at 6:30 p.m. last night (woke up at 6 a.m.), and I’m pretty sure I'm not going to leave the house today, unless forced.

Depression can sneak up on you — and your hygiene

Depression can be like that sometimes. It sneaks through the backdoor when you're not looking and takes a hold when you're vulnerable. And I was. I'll admit, it's my fault.

When I traveled to the conference, I made a mistake with my pillbox, leaving one pill out for about 5 days. When I noticed, I thought I'd get a little cranky, maybe a little weepy. But I didn't expect to get weepy, sleep 12 hours a night, and avoid the shower for days on end. Depression affects more than just your mood — it can make basic self-care feel impossible. I should be stronger than that, right?

Too depressed to do anything

I mean, I've been in recovery for 4 years. I can't be taken down by a little pill after a few days of not having it. Surely not. But here I am, asking a friend to take my place at support group tonight because I can't get out of my chair. Or shower. Or leave the house.

I'm making jokes, but this is actually scary. I've been doing so well since I left the psychiatric hospital, since I’ve had all those electroconvulsive therapy treatments. I work on my recovery every day. Some days the fight is harder than others. And this just blindsided me.

Coping strategies when you have no energy

But I know what to do. I call it "Low Battery Mode Heather." These are my go-to coping strategies when depression affects my ability to function: I start to take things off my plate. I move meetings and replace them with self-care time. I put off errands that aren't a priority. I ask for help from my family and friends, which is hard, but I have to do it.

I take naps if I need to. I go to bed early when I can. I evaluate whether I need a round of Ketamine. I make lists of things to look forward to. I do whatever I need to do to feel joy, and if I can’t find joy, then rest.

What to know about depressive episodes and recurrence

I know it will get better. I must say that to myself, but the truth is that many people with major depressive disorder are at substantial risk of later recurrence, according to a study in the National Library of Medicine. Here's what the research says:

• Depression affects recurrence risk after a first episode: People with major depressive disorder face a 60 percent lifetime risk of recurrence after their first major depressive episode
• A second episode raises that risk significantly: 70 percent of those with 2 episodes experience recurrences throughout their life.
• Three or more episodes carry the highest risk: 90 percent of those with 3 or more episodes will experience further recurrent episodes.¹

Now, I'm not sure how many episodes I've had. I know I've had at least 1, probably 2, but only a couple were very apparent. I've seen so many doctors and had so many diagnoses, so who knows? I'm sticking to what the doctors in the psych hospital said from now on.

Depression hygiene: taking it one day at a time

I don't expect to have a good day every day, although I've had so many good ones, I almost do expect them. That’s why it's hard to deal with days like these. But it's temporary. The sun will come out tomorrow, right?

I can't just hide in my house spitting out facts how another major depressive episode might happen.It could, but while I'm worried about that I could miss the sunshine out there.

And I don't want to take the sun for granted ever again.

Depression affects my self-care some days more than others. Maybe I'll make it to the shower today after all. But if I don't, that's okay, too.