Anticipating Depression: Preparing Ahead For A Difficult Day

What constitutes a difficult day? Everyone has their definition of a difficult day but I'm referring to days you can anticipate by the calendar's date – anniversaries of a sort.  Therefore, I won't be writing about the days you wake up with a panic attack in progress or when you wake up in a bad mood.

Anniversaries of a death, holidays, and other reminders

I can already name the days of the year that are difficult for me. Since my mother passed away in 2002, the anniversary of the day she passed which is in March is a difficult day, as is her birthday which is in August.

Mother's Day can be hard in some ways but since I consider that a made-up Hallmark holiday, I don't give much weight to that Sunday. I get more annoyed when strangers assume I have children and wish me a Happy Mother’s Day.

The Jewish holidays — primarily Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year) and Passover leave me feeling nostalgic for how we used to celebrate them as a family, sometimes with extended family. My mother wasn't much of a cook except when she wanted to be, and she could make a great brisket.

Bad days for depression: develop a ritual

My brother and I have developed little rituals that help us get through these difficult days. (It's just me and him now.) On the day of my mother's passing, whoever gets up first will text the other, "We miss you, Jeri." Her name was Jeri, short for Geraldine, which she never used.

And then later in the day we will talk and reminisce. The same thing on her birthday. Whoever gets up first will text the other "Happy birthday, Jeri." And then we will talk later in the day and try to figure out how old she would have been.

Celebrating as a form of mourning

For the 20th anniversary of her passing, which I anticipated would be extremely difficult, I made this anniversary into a celebration of her life. I collected photos I had of her from all stages of her life and, created a slide show and set it to Josh Grobran's song "You Raise Me Up."

I invited (virtually) all my cousins and a couple of my friends who had the privilege of knowing her. The event turned out just the way I had hoped and all who attended were appreciative of the memories of Jeri the slide show evoked in them.

But some days (and relationships) are more complicated

When it comes to my father, the situation is a little more complicated. My dad and I had a conflicted relationship for most of his life.

He was an alcoholic while I was growing up and when he finally got sober, the depression he had been medicating with the booze became apparent and he retreated from life. He could be emotionally and verbally abusive especially when intoxicated, with a cruel and acerbic tongue.

Coping with loaded days (and months)

My brother and I still have our little rituals on the anniversary of my father's passing which is in April and on his birthday which is in August. (August is a loaded month for me.)

My father had a favorite phrase, which he liked to use both when something went well but he also loved to use when something didn't go well — as an expression of sarcasm. "Top work," he'd say. So, on the day of his passing and his birthday my brother and I text each other "Top work, Wally!" Our father’s name was Walter, so Wally is a nickname we got from his yearbook which my brother found online after he died.

Don't isolate on bad days with depression

Not only do I make it a point to speak to my brother, but I also will speak to my mother's best friend, who became a friend of mine after my mom passed away. She has since moved to California, but on the day of my mother's death and her birthday, it's an unspoken commitment that we'll connect and trade memories and reminisce about her.

I will also connect to my cousin who is 10 years older than I am, and has different memories of my mom than I do. Although I've heard it before, it's always fun to hear about when she was a horse-crazed teenager and what she looked like in a poodle skirt.

Acknowledging the day is important

Even if the actual day of her death falls on a weekday, I try to set up a dinner the following weekend with a close friend, even if she didn't necessarily know my mother. Going out, even to a casual restaurant. feels as though I'm celebrating her life in some way and not just letting another year go by without an acknowledgment.

It's comforting to know that I will go to sleep, albeit exhausted, and that the next day will be just another day on the calendar and not the anniversary of her death or her birthday. The world moves on, and I need to move on each year as well.

Acknowledging the good helps me cope

It's not helpful to dwell on the fact that my mom is dead, and I still miss her. What is helpful is to recall all the wonderful qualities that she stood for, and that she has passed down to me.