Depression: My Constant Companion?
We all know someone like depression. She resembles a person you might meet at a party who follows you around the room, latches on and sticks with you until the evening is over, whether you like it or not.
Let's call her "Essie."
When depression kicks in hard
Essie is an annoying companion. When my major depressive disorder kicks in hard (also known as: getting close to the dark hole) she clings to me and will not let go.
When I wake up in the morning, there she is. She stands by the door and tries to convince me it might be better just to stay in bed, within a darkened room and dwell on my thoughts.
Get up and take a shower? Get dressed? Not if Essie can help it. Thanks to her interference, doing even the simplest of tasks seems like an impossible dream.
Meet depression's friend: anxiety
Who cares what we look like, right? Who is going to see? What is the point of going out and about when the anticipation of it brings nothing but dread and anxiety?
Ah, anxiety. She is Essie's best friend. They often hang out and travel together but that is a story for another day.
Everything feels too overwhelming
As much as I wish Essie would take a hike, she is persistent and stubborn, traits some people would apply to me. Maybe we have more in common than I originally thought.
So now if we eventually manage to pull ourselves out of bed to tackle the "to-do" list for the day, we feel an enormous weight on our backs. Is that her? The list, even if it is short, is still overwhelming. There are whispers that it all cannot be done. It is too draining and too much.
Where do we even start?
Essie tells us that it is better not to even begin something, because if we do, we can't finish no matter how hard we try. If only we could just shoo her away and make her disappear, then we could get on with things.
But maybe she is right. Essie brings fatigue and sadness into our lives. She burdens us with negative feelings and keeps us from taking that first step to having a productive, good day.
Depression also messes with sleep
Finally, it is time to go to sleep at night and that is when Essie tends to get chatty. She fills our minds with thoughts about tomorrow, what needs to be done, doctor's appointments we may have, people we expect to see, tons of things.
And so she keeps us awake, blathering on and on. We need to sleep, yet as the minutes and hours tick away, we cannot and that only makes us upset and anxious and the cycle begins again.
Insomnia is another one of Essie's annoying friends. But stay with me, there is a happy ending...
How I've learned to cope
But let me tell you a secret. Essie and I go way back, 12 years to be exact. We met when I was a caregiver for my Mom, who Essie and her pals also pestered. When Mom passed away, she started latching onto me more and thinks she can hold me in her grip.
But she's wrong. We know each other so well now that I can recognize all her quirks and little tricks. I have learned to give Essie some of my time each day – but not all.
Not letting depression overwhelm me
Stay in bed? Sorry, dear, but that’s not happening today. I have things to do. First, a shower and then dressing, whether I am going to see anyone or not.
Still hanging around? I have learned how to subtly give her the message that she is not welcome. Now and then, sure, I let Essie in and sit with her for a while. But not all the time. I have set boundaries and limits as to how much she can intrude in my life.
And surprisingly, she understands and bugs off when I need her to. Now, we take our "companionship" day by day.