MDD-Related Fatigue

The question of how I'm doing is usually met with one of the following quippy sayings, "I'm hanging in there," or "livin' the dream," or "one foot in front of the other," usually in a sarcastic manner. I live life at an exceptionally low energy level daily. Thus, I do my best to do the bare minimum required in order to make it to the next day.

Fatigue permeates my life

Major depressive disorder (MDD)-related fatigue permeates every facet of my life. Work, chores around the house, even maintaining relationships with family and friends are all hurt to some degree because of this lack of energy. I am tired, overwhelmingly so, trapped in the mental quicksand that lingers underneath every action I take.

Most days I find myself in my apartment, trying to ease my way through the day. I listen to soothing and familiar videos, write, and sometimes muster the energy to play games with friends. I have flashes of energy and motivation that appear occasionally, but never frequently enough to capitalize on.

It's part of my major depressive disorder

It's difficult for people without mental illnesses to understand this fatigue at times. Usually, fatigue is caused by surface-level issues, things that you can control. Maybe you didn't get a good night's rest, or you worked out for too long.

These instances can be treated in a variety of ways, with caffeine, a nap, or a day off. That's not necessarily the case for folks living with MDD. My MDD-related fatigue is oftentimes at a deeper level than a bad night's sleep, affecting the part of my brain that regulates energy levels. It becomes something out of my control.

No, it's not laziness

As a result, I frequently have days where I am only capable of doing 1 or 2 tasks. This uncontrollable fatigue has helped create a stigma of laziness surrounding people living with MDD. This stigma could not be farther from the truth of the matter.

I promise you, there is nothing in life I want more than to be able to work and function at a higher level than my current standards. I hold a great deal of shame within because of my inability to do things that most folks find easy. As a result, I find it difficult to ask for help even on the easiest of tasks.

My family doesn't always get it

The culture of self-sufficiency that we have created in the modern world only further complicates the issue. I've had many conversations with my family about the difference in societal expectations from my parents’ generation to my generation.

My mom lived at home after high school until she got married, whereas my siblings and I all moved out after graduating college. Many of my friends' parents aren't able to help their children financially, whereas my grandparents could.

Burdened by external expectations, I struggle with asking for help even though my family is extremely supportive. Unable to accept help, I isolate myself, only furthering the spiral that starts because of something uncontrollable. It's an understatement to say that I then blame myself for said uncontrollable problems.

Combating my MDD fatigue

Now, how do we combat this self-blame and fatigue? That's the million-dollar question, and one that does not have a hard and fast answer.

I am fortunate to have a support system that knows me well enough to know when I need help. I am also fortunate to have a wonderful psychiatrist to manage my medications and a clinical psychologist for weekly therapy. Not everyone has that fortune, of course, but they have all made a significant difference in my life.

Good days and bad days with depression

Even with the support given, I still struggle constantly with this fatigue. One of the most important things I've learned, though, has been to treat every new day as a reset, an opportunity to try something different, to give myself the chance to start over if the previous day didn't go the way I wanted.

Every part of recovery takes time, time that we often don't have or aren't able to use. Most days, I wake up, and that's my victory for the day. Sometimes, though, I hit the metaphorical energy jackpot, able to fulfill my plans for the day. Those are good days. I hope you have them too.