Confessions of "Ms. Sunshine": Overcoming High-Functioning Depression and People-Pleasing

I spend every moment trying to help others when I'm working and when I'm with family members and loved ones. I love to help, support, and encourage others. I strive to be a positive, helpful, generous person each day.

Because of this, I was given the nickname "Ms. Sunshine" long ago. I love sharing that light with the world, but there is a side to my life that most people never see. What almost everyone in my life doesn't know is that the moment I am alone, I am utterly exhausted. When I am not at work or with others—when I finally have a moment to relax with my cats and rest—I feel incredibly down.

I hate that about myself. A friend once told me, "You cannot keep filling everyone else's buckets if your is continuously empty. You must daily figure out how to fill your own bucket." 😕🫤😞 Well, even though I know that cognitively, I lead with my heart in all matters.

How my bucket gets filled

My bucket does get filled each day when I help my students learn, make meaningful connections, and meet goals. My bucket gets filled each time I get to be with any of my four grandbabies. They are my joy!

My bucket gets filled every time I cuddle or lay with me cats or my grandpets. My bucket gets filled each time I help someone else. But relying entirely on external sources to fill my bucket leaves me vulnerable when those sources aren't around.

The root of rejection: A fathers absence

Beneath my need to constantly give is a deep struggle with rejection. My father wanted nothing to do with me. I was the product of his extra-marital with my much younger mom, and we all lived in a small community, so he chose to just not be present in my life.

He died when I was 25. I forgave him. I love him. However, I am who I am in many ways because of him and his choices. That makes me sad.

The lonely cycle of depression and anxiety

So when my adult daughters and their families are too busy with their own lives, I get very down and lonely. I don't tell them this, of course. When I don't get to see them and my grandchildren for long stretches, it hurts.

I get so very sad. I don't want to do anything...eat, clean the house, anything. Sometimes I get so down that when one of does ask me to do something with them, I am too down and exhausted to do so, so I turn down the invitation.

It's so stupid. Depression and anxiety stink.

Seeking the light within

I'm on meds and I talk to a therapist. I just wish they could both go away. I wish I could feel that sunshine in me more often...for me.