Suicidal Attempts: A Reflection

Content Note: This article describes suicide. If you or a loved one are struggling, consider reading our mental health resources page.

Much like a UFC fight, I have gone more than one round with suicidal thoughts and actions. This is not a fluffy article. It will look into the face of the darkness I have sat through.

Round 1: my first suicide attempt

When I opened my eyes, I was momentarily blinded by the bright lights. It was obvious I was not home. I looked around to gather my bearings. My best friend was sitting by my bedside and a stranger was sitting in the corner of the room.

Come to find out, she was a hospital psychologist there to evaluate my mental stability. Why? Well, I attempted to overdose. I was struggling with untreated depression and chronic pain from long-term health issues. This combination made me want to give up and find a way out. Due to this, I drank alcohol and took sleeping pills, way too many sleeping pills.

My sister happened to come over to my house and find me. I was in bed foaming at the mouth. She and my brother-in-law got me to the closest hospital. Somewhere between them finding me and me waking up in the hospital, more than a day had passed.

At that point, I was still uncertain if I was happy or not that my sister found me. But she did find me and busted her ass to make sure the medical professionals saved her little sister. So, I was back on this rollercoaster called life.

Round 2: suicidal ideation returns

After round one, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. I still lived with chronic pain and none of the treatments provided relief. At the time, I was also unhappily married and my husband was not home much.

My dark thoughts came back again. These thoughts ranged from not being good enough to being a burden to my loved ones. Yet again, I made a plan on how to end things, keeping in mind the lessons I learned the first time around.

My best friend is a blessing

Since my best friend knew me since grade school, I believe she saw that I was struggling. She was staying out of town, while her house was being rebuilt. One day she just told me she needed to be in town for awhile and asked if I would let her stay with me. Despite having my plan in place, I agreed to let her stay.

A few weeks later, I was in a stable place again. I had made changes to my medication and to my therapist. To this day, I do not know if she actually needed a place to stay, or if she knew I was not stable enough to be left alone. Despite this, I do know that there is a huge likelihood that I would not be here today if it was not for her staying with me.

Judge decision: live to fight another fight

For this fight, neither my depression nor myself were able to end the fight early. The decision was made that I would live to continue to fight other fights. Many of us know that living with depression is a challenge.

Sometimes it does not take much to go from living depressed to living suicidal. It did not take much of a push for me, especially when I felt like I was alone.

We all need support

I can honestly say that if it was not for my family and friends, I would not still be here. While the support from my family is complex when it comes to mental health issues, I know that my sister and my mother will aid me to the best of their ability. Additionally, my best friend is the definition of a safety net. She understands living with depression. Sometimes having that one person makes all the difference in the world.

I challenge you to realize that you are not alone.