Depression and Dealing With Medical Conditions

My psychiatric diagnoses are anorexia and borderline personality disorder, which are currently resolved, and major depressive disorder, which in the past was been recurrent, severe, with psychotic features, but now — I believe I'm dealing with high-functioning depression.

New diagnoses with age

As I'm aging, I’m gathering medical diagnoses much in the same way my black leggings cannot escape whispers of white dog hair. The longer I linger in my apartment, the more short white hairs attach themselves to my freshly laundered leggings.

My downfall started in 2015 when I was diagnosed with adult-onset asthma and Prinzmetal angina (a type of chest pain that happens when at rest). Later that year, I was hospitalized with a pulmonary embolism. 2015 was an auspicious beginning. And before 2015, I'd already been diagnosed with chronic migraines, Raynaud’s disease, and GERD.

Managing many medications... and depression

In addition to the psychotropic medication, I was on both a preventative and an abortive medication for the migraines, a medication for the Raynaud’s, and one for the GERD. In 2015, I added several medications for the asthma and one for the Prinzmetal's. Talk about poly-pharmacy.  I was only 54 and I had a pharmacy in my kitchen cabinet. Glancing at all the bottles, I felt ancient and depressed.

Additionally, 2015 was only a year out from a serious suicide attempt. Psychologically recovering from that and working through the anger and severe depression in therapy that preceded the overdose took over a year, more like 18 months with my psychiatrist.

Dealing with dental issues and anorexia

As these medical diagnoses started piling up, I wondered if I somehow had caused my body to go awry. I questioned whether the abuse I'd put my body through during 25 years of anorexia — starvation, laxative abuse, diuretic abuse — was somehow manifesting itself now.

In 2015, my teeth started crumbling. One morning, driving to work I bit into an egg sandwich on an English muffin, and one of my front teeth crumbled, leaving an exposed brown fang. Eventually, all my teeth had to be pulled and I was fitted for a full set of dentures at 55 years old. I'd never binged or purged by vomiting. Teeth consist of bone, and this was all purely from bone loss brought on by severe and prolonged malnutrition.

Depression following a stroke

Memorial Day weekend of 2018, I had a stroke. My left side was affected as was my executive functioning. I spent 5 days in the medical hospital and was transferred to a sub-acute rehabilitation facility where I stayed for 3 weeks, relearning how to walk and working with a cognitive therapist.

The physical recovery was hard and took months, but the cognitive recovery took over a year of working with a private rehabilitative neuropsychologist. Thank goodness for neuroplasticity.

Therapy for medical trauma

I fell into a deep depression while in the rehab, and started talking to the psychologist there. When I was discharged, I contacted my old psychiatrist and we resumed therapy to deal with the severe depression resulting from this trauma. I saw her for 18 months and then I was able to return to work full-time.

The doctors (plural) never discovered what caused the stroke and I live in fear I will have another one. I was fortunate in that when I had the one in 2018, I was not incapacitated and was able to get myself to the hospital. It was the middle of the night. If there is a next one, who knows what might happen?

Ongoing illness and injuries

Since the stroke, I've added a couple of additional diagnoses and more medication – gastrointestinal (GI) motility issues that are directly related to the laxative abuse, undifferentiated connective tissue disease (which is an autoimmune disorder), and osteoporosis (which again is related directly to the the prolonged course of the anorexia).

I've had 4 stress fractures and in 2021 I slipped on black ice and suffered a compound fracture of my wrist. I've had 4 surgeries on that wrist and it's permanently disabled.

Battling illness with depression

Recent years have been challenging as well. I've developed chronic anemia due to bleeding and I've had to have regular iron infusions. At one point, my numbers dropped so low, I needed a blood transfusion in the emergency room. I'm waiting for a test to be approved by my insurance company which will determine if I need surgery.

I also was recently diagnosed with sleep apnea. What concerns me most is neurological. Over a week last summer, I had 3 incidents that involved confusion and I was unconscious during two of them. One of them took place in the ER, but 2 of them took place at home. They were either seizures or TIAs (transient ischemic attacks or mini-strokes).

I feel like my body is betraying me

I feel old, scared, and depressed that my body is decrepit, decaying, and betraying me. I feel as though I deserve this decline because I so badly abused the one body I was given. The diagnoses are piling up like autumn leaves on the front lawn, but there are still critical unknowns. Waiting for answers is hard, especially if you’re not sure you’re going to get a definitive answer.  And waiting, wondering, could it happen again? When, where?

Depressed, on alert, and anxious. And waiting. Choose one from column A and one from column B. No thanks, I think I’ll pass.

*names have been changed